Ketamine: 10 Days Later…

It has been 10 days since my 3rd and final “stabilizing” IV ketamine session for multiple chronic pain issues, and to be honest, I’m spiraling within a clustercluck of emotions and physical changes.

I’ve battled every thought and emotion from, “My pain level hasn’t been this low in over 10 years!” to times where I mentally fall to my knees and thank all that’s good and holy for the gift of less pain, only to be whacked on the head by dark, gloomy thoughts like, “Why am I still so fatigued…?” and, “Shouldn’t I be happier and more productive now?”–and just for good measure, my personal favorite, “Does this spasm/random pain mean the ketamine is wearing off already?”

I could ask one of my doctors… but that’d only open a whole new bag of dicktips, i.e., the suggestion of another round or two of the liquid debt-elixir –which I can’t afford–or worse, a doctor flat-out saying, “This is the best you’ll ever feel, so suck it up, bitch” or something medically translatable.

But I AM a bitch right now! A bitch who paid more money than her family could afford to feel better, only to reach and wait at the cusp of ecstasy’s pearly gates, the ticket to BlahsVille clutched in my hand, my only companion.

Boo hoo for me, right? Now you see my dilemma: I’m beyond grateful for less pain, but the blah-monster is kicking my arse.

And even though the general achiness and burning sensations associated with Fibro, CRPS, Arachnoiditis, etc., are still are part of me, as are fibro fog and fatigue, they are tolerable now.

In conclusion:

Even though complaining makes me feel like a rancid a-hole, complain I must, because if you’re reading this, you’re at the very least learning about ketamine therapy and, presumably, weighing pros and cons. You deserve frank answers. So, in the vein of full disclosure, I, Asshole, must confess the following: on top of the fibro fog and fatigue, I still have bladder weakness–mostly with coughing or sneezing–paresthesia in my right leg/foot, a weak right ankle, and some sporadic leg cramps, mostly at night.

My anxiety is still pretty high, and though I’m not completely in the dumps, I do have a major case of the blahs.

Problems the “me” I was a month ago would’ve snubbed her highfaluting spoonie nose at, are what consume me now–often to the point of clouding my present with a disorienting funk harder to live with than a frizzy home perm.

 

If you’re wondering if I’d do it again, yes. Yes, Yes, and Yes!

The ketamine polished the turd that is my body only so much; the rest, I fear, is up to me.